Dilemma.

I still submitted my appeal in the end. Though I really didn't want to. But I wasn't able to convince my parents to let me do that.

Really unsure of what to do thereafter then.

An updated understanding of myself.
Previously my thought was that my subconsciously-turned-on-tense self was something that only began in the past 2-3 years kind of thing. However, the problem may have been around for like a decade. As much as I find it disbelieving how this issue could have been lying around without me knowing, it actually makes tons of sense as I look back on the things that I couldn't explain for happening.
I can't swim. And it's pretty much something since young even though I went for lessons. I could originally. But at some point in time I just look more like I was sinking than I was swimming. And the problem just went downhill since then. My mum recalled that she felt that I look like I was sinking because I was all tensed up. (I really never felt that way before. But I tend to get stressed up about swimming.)

Then came gym. I never excelled in it too. For the longest time I was trying to understand why was it that I didn't have trouble picking up a new movement, but after 3-5 sessions of practising the skill, I would like lose it and no longer to do it as well as before already. And even though I was diligently doing the PTs everyday. Never slacked, always pushed myself to do to my best extent as required, something about me was lacking when I have to execute the movements. While this particular teammate would slack and get away with slacking as she had no problems doing the movements as told. So there I was pissing my coaches off and getting immensely frustrated at myself too. Tense and expectations once again.

Then came running. We had to run like 3.2km during the holidays for training back then. Originally, I didn't know that I had above average kind of stamina hence I was able to run really well as compared to the other teammates. I just ran to my best abilities and within my comfort zone still. And during those days I was taking an average of slightly more than 2mins for every 400m. I still vividly remember the first time we had to do 3.2km, I managed to sprint my last 400m and just choing all the way to the end. AND. I just never managed to sprint for a full 400m since then. And as the years passed by, I am kind of fearful about running. (scared that I will not be able to run as fast. And I just wish I knew why I am secretly expecting so much from myself too.)

Then came the back injury. Was slipped disc, now wear and tear. Initially, those doctors or people with sports injury knowledge would all ask me, did you have a bad of severe fall before this? And I never had. So they didn't really understand how did my disc shift on it's own. Then I was told that without proper usage of the muscles, the disc would be misaligned too. And whenever I saw the physiotherapist or masseur, they would say that 'whao your (back) muscles are really tense!' which means to say that my disc had most probably shifted because I was tensing up so much that my muscles had forced my disc out of its original and correct position.

And now, studies. The inability to control oneself during timed assessments.



So the thing is, what can and am
I suppose to do to save myself from falling even further. How am I suppose to be at peace with myself? If I don't put a stop to this issue it is just going to climb over my head at whatever I chase after next and, eventually, consuming me. Like it seems to be already. Hahaha.

What a problem. Not sure if this is just a rather well-crafted speculation of it is actually the truth all along.

But yeah, I need to go through some intensive meditation pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee.

Sorry to be ranting. >< and if you had bothered to read this, JIAYOU! Especially if you are taking As! :)